Ian the Realistic Person

Now, Ian the Realistic Person was angry for no apparent reason (actually, his lunch had not agreed with him, but no one else was aware of this). Because the extent of his anger far exceeded normal proportions, he teamed up with Elmo Babytalk in a campaign of epic realism to capture the all-elusive pirate ship dubbed "Loch Ness."

Jane the Calvinist and Ellen the Hobbesian, it just so happened, already possessed this ship, and were in the habit of taking day tours at various places on the Western Coasts of the British Isles. They had not the foggiest idea of Ian the Realistic Person's pursuit, but in any case loved racing whales, so the possibility of catching Loch Ness was quite slim.

Ian the Realistic Person enjoyed fencing with Elmo Babytalk on the starboard side of his ship ("Glatisant"). They did this constantly, while Ian the Realistic Person left his work to all his minions. In fact, he and Elmo Babytalk were so intent on their hobby, Glatisant passed Loch Ness thirty-seven times in the Irish Sea. Glatisant had a top-of-the-line cloaking device, so no one ever noticed the frantic circles and figure eights (the minions specialized in mortal combat, not sailing) and the constant spinning-out. The problem with cloaking devices lies in no one being able to track a ship, negating almost all possibility for obtaining help in dire situations. Many say that the Titanic's cloaking device prevented prompt assistance from native Atlantians in the Antartic Circle.

Anywho, the crew of Loch Ness decided to camp out for a maintenance check in the middle of the Irish Sea. Glatisant accidentally bumped into Loch Ness (imagine being bumped my something invisible!). The jolt threw Ian the Realistic Person and Elmo Babytalk for such a jolt, that their rages doubled and they boarded Loch Ness with the fury of a thousand harpies (along with the minions trained in mortal combat).

What will happen to our faithless heroes? Dum da da dum...